


Bear it all Broken

by MTTechGodhead



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, I am so fucking sorry, M/M, MTF Dave, Sadstuck, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, or will be when I write the comfort part
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-12 00:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4458092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MTTechGodhead/pseuds/MTTechGodhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You look across to see him standing there. Just like that, the look of shock on his face was making you feel like you had just ingested razors. This it, there’s no way he'll ever see you the same way again but you have to say it or you’re going to explode.</p><p>“Oh and yeah, I'm a girl.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bear it all Broken

_"So knock me down, tear me up,  
But I would bear it all broken just to fill my cup"_

 

You look across to see him standing there. Just like that, the look of shock on his face was making you feel like you had just ingested razors. This it, there’s no way he'll ever see you the same way again but you have to say it or you’re going to explode.

 

“Oh and yeah, I'm a girl.”  
  


* * *

 

 

Your name is Dave Strider and you are in a dress.

It is a very nice dress that makes you look like you have subtle curves under that pale pink fabric. There is a white collar at the top and two buttons going down the chest. You look at yourself in the mirror and take in the sight. You’ve even shaved your legs and armpits, styled your shaggy blond hair a bit and bam: you look alright, good even. Better than you thought you would.

 

You've been doing this for a while now and it’s become sort of a nightly ritual. You get anxious about school so you decide to relax a bit with your favorite hobby.

You've collected a few dresses over the months, but this one is your favorite by far. You take the soft cotton in between your fingers and look down. What you see upsets you; you can’t help but be jealous when you see people with breasts, and then there’s that unsightly bulge that makes you squirm a little. You don’t really understand it, but you were never happy looking at your dick. It’s not that it’s unappealing it’s just… not for you, you guess.

 

You bet  _he_  would think so too. He’s very understanding... and very straight. Your brows knot as you think about John and feel emotion crack through you. Spiderweb fragments of memories from when you were growing up. You like John, that much you know. You like him a lot.

Your thoughts shift to how you think he might see you. You two have been friends for a long time, practically born together. This year, though, it seems like your schedules never match up, other than study hall. When you two do spend time together, he tells you about his parents current situation.

 

“I know they mean well, but the fighting, it needs to stop.”

 

“Dude, they just want the best for you.”

 

“Is the best for me really this? Dodging flying plates and playing the piano over the blaming and cursing?”

 

“I…” You were honestly a little stunned. As long as you've been friends, his parents have never been this bad before. At least from what he's told you.

 

“And what about when neither of them can make up their damn minds and I end up having to crash at Jade's for a weekend? Or how about when mom comes home so fucking smashed to the point where she forgets my name?”

 

He was tearing up now.

 

“I know they want the best, but really it’s the best for themselves.”

 

You look at him now, sitting with your hands in your lap. He’s staring at you like he’s sorry for snapping, but he doesn't say anything when he leaves. After school, you catch the bus with him and he says he’s sorry for leaving like that; he just needed to be alone and think.

 

“No problem.”

 

You sit the rest of the way home in silence as he chats with Vanessa about whom she’s taking to prom. She says no one yet. You burn a little inside. Vanessa is alright, but she’s not the person for John, not kind enough. She’s pretty though, and a girl. You guess that’s good enough for him.

 

At home, you go straight to your room without saying hi to your bro and slip into something that instantly brightens your mood. You picked this one out for the prom you never intend to go to. It’s black with a red bow belt and bow headband to match. For a moment, you think about what it’s like to have Vanessa’s perfect body. Perfect hips, perfect long hair, perfect breasts. Voices whisper to you through the mirror: 

 

“You’ll never be good enough. You’ll never be  _her_.”

 

You feel a familiar sting in your nose, but you hold back the salt water tears peeking through your lashes. Boys don’t cry. Boys are strong and brave. A boy can handle what life gives him. Except, you don’t want to be a boy if you think about it. You don’t want to be anyone like you.

 

You look at your wrist and at your hospital bracelet. You should really cut that off soon before someone asks about it. Before school started you were admitted into the local hospital for a suicide attempt. You don’t remember much from that night, you were pretty fucked up from the booze, but you remember kicking and screaming as they brought you down from the ER to the psych ward. You chuckle a little at the memory of being strapped down to a gurney, morbid humor.

That’s sort of how you deal with this stuff, just laugh it off. Nothing really matters anyway, you're fine. 

 

The next day you find yourself laughing as hard as you can on the ledge of the school building. Laughing even harder when someone sees you and calls a teacher. By the time someone tackles you to the ground, the laughter has gotten so loud it hurts, pounding in your ears.  You think you hear John, somewhere in the crowd of people yelling at you. You close your eyes and the laughter blots you out.

 

You wake up in the nurse’s office and there’s noise to your left. Bro is there. You think he's yelling something about how they could have prevented this. The nurse is reassuring him.

 

It takes a minute to realize what happened. You had seen John with someone in the gym. Alone. She was leaning over to him and you’re not sure what happened because you walked out. Then you started to think so fast that had it hurt. Nothing really registered as he ran to catch up after spotting you, leaving the girl. He asked you what’s up, but you just started laughing. You laughed and laughed and soon enough everything had hit you at once. All the voices in the mirror, everything you had told yourself. It was all true and this had just proved it.  You’d never be good enough for anyone. But that’s just fine, you thought, because you didn’t  _have_  to be good enough for anybody anymore.

 

So you ran.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I hope you enjoyed! There is much more to come, this is not going to be a one-sided fic. I'm also open to suggestions in the comments!
> 
> The quote in the beginning and the title come from "Down By the Water" by The Decemberists!
> 
> Thanks! <3


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